When it comes to supporting our loved ones, it’s easy to default to what we think is best for them. Whether it’s deciding on caregiving roles, healthcare choices, or even end-of-life plans, we often fall into the trap of assuming we know what’s right.
But true support means honoring their autonomy — their ability to make decisions for themselves — even when those decisions challenge our own comfort.
Take the example of VSED (Voluntary Stopping Eating and Drinking), a legal option for individuals who wish to hasten their death due to terminal illness or other debilitating conditions. Supporting someone in this choice can be emotionally complex, but at the heart of it is the acknowledgment of their right to make decisions about their own life and death. It’s about recognizing that every person has the right to determine the quality and trajectory of their life, even at its end.
But VSED is just one example. We encounter situations all the time where our loved ones make decisions we might struggle to understand or accept. For instance, caregiving roles can bring up complicated dynamics. I recently spoke with a client who was overwhelmed by the expectation that they would become the primary caregiver for an aging parent — a role they hadn't agreed to but felt obligated to fulfill. It was a heavy load to carry, especially without an explicit agreement in place.
When we support someone’s decision for their life, whether it's about caregiving, end-of-life choices, or something as personal as how they wish to be remembered, we’re giving them the greatest gift we can offer: respect for their autonomy. And in return, we give ourselves the space to grieve, grow, and love fully, even in the face of difficult emotions.
How to Support Your Loved Ones’ Decisions
Here are some meaningful ways to support your loved ones in their autonomy, no matter what stage of life they’re in:
Ask Instead of Assume: It’s easy to make assumptions about what our loved ones need, especially when emotions are high. Open the conversation by asking them what support looks like to them. Sometimes, it’s different from what we expect.
Respect Their Choices: Whether it's an end-of-life decision like VSED, or how they manage their healthcare, honoring their wishes is key. Even when it's difficult to understand, showing respect is the best way to support them.
Acknowledge Your Own Feelings: Supporting autonomy doesn’t mean ignoring your own emotions. It’s okay to feel conflicted or sad. Reach out for your own support system while you navigate these feelings.
Help Facilitate Important Conversations: Sometimes, loved ones need a trusted person to help them have those hard talks with family members about decisions they’ve made. Offering to help start those conversations shows support and care.
Celebrate Their Journey: Finding ways to celebrate your loved one’s journey can create lasting memories and show them you support their choices. Create meaningful moments or engage in rituals that honor their path.
How a Death and Grief Doula Can Help
Supporting autonomy isn’t always straightforward, especially when emotions, family dynamics, and end-of-life decisions come into play. As a Death and Grief Doula, I’m here to help guide you and your loved ones through these challenging conversations and decisions with grace and compassion. Here’s how I can assist:
Facilitating Difficult Conversations: Whether you’re discussing caregiving roles, end-of-life wishes, or legacy projects, I can help navigate these emotionally charged conversations, ensuring everyone has a voice and feels heard.
Emotional Support and Guidance: These decisions can bring up a mix of emotions — from fear and sadness to relief and peace. I offer a safe space to process these feelings, providing both emotional and spiritual support for everyone involved.
Advance Care Planning: Helping your loved one make informed choices about their healthcare, advance directives, and end-of-life care can bring peace of mind. I can guide you through this process, ensuring your loved one’s wishes are documented and understood.
Creating Meaningful Rituals and Legacy Projects: Whether it’s designing a personal ritual, writing letters to loved ones, or creating a legacy project, I can help you and your loved one honor their journey in a meaningful way.
Supporting the Caregiver’s Journey: Caregiving can be physically and emotionally draining. I help caregivers find balance, providing tools for self-care and emotional resilience while they support their loved one.
Why Book a Session with a Death Doula?
Booking a session with a Death Doula isn’t just about navigating the practicalities of death — it’s about creating space for meaningful, transformative conversations that honor the autonomy of those we love. Whether you’re preparing for your own journey or supporting someone else, a Death Doula can guide you through the emotional, spiritual, and logistical aspects, offering compassion, clarity, and support. We help ask the questions you might not have thought of and provide a safe space to explore your options. When it comes to facing the end of life, you don’t have to do it alone — let me help you navigate this journey with grace and support.
If you’d like to explore this deeper, sign up for my newsletter where you’ll be the first to know about my comprehensive End of Life Guide, available soon at an exclusive price for subscribers.
Let’s continue this conversation — I’d love to hear your thoughts. And forward it to someone you think may benefit from this message.
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